On Deserving and Joy

Lately, with the encouragement of a very wise friend, I have been giving a lot of consideration to my own beliefs about deserving and joy. Due to a recent loss, I have been given pause to re-examine my beliefs, and how they might be contributing to a pattern that I can see clearly when I look at my life.
By just about any standard, I must say that I have been very, very blessed in many ways. My mother even goes as far as to say that I was born under a lucky star, and I can definitely see her point. In the area of career and material things, for example, I do seem to luck my way into very fortunate circumstances.
However, in other areas I have been met with many challenges. My experiences in the realm of relationships and family, in particular, seem to be characterized by a fair bit of suffering and loss. I don't know, but perhaps this pattern was set early, when my father decided he wanted to be elsewhere. That strong sense of abandonment a child feels when a parent deeply disappoints them in some fundamental way is difficult to shake; it sets up certain negative expectations about how relationships work. A sense of melancholy set in early, and soon became a part of my very identity. I have no real way of knowing whether or not my disposition would have been any different had I not been exposed to so much sadness before I was ready to make sense of it. But my strong suspicion is that it would have, because I don't believe that any child comes into this world in sadness.
My friend suggested to me that perhaps it is time for me to let go of the ideas that might be holding me back from truly experiencing joy in my life. Specifically, she said that she had observed in me a certain tendency to mistrust the unexpected blessings that arrive in my life. She picked up on my perpetual wait for the other shoe to drop, as well as my strongly held belief that certain kinds of happiness can only be achieved through suffering, through paying one's dues.
So I set about working on some affirmations in my journal. Affirmations are incredibly powerful for releasing old fears and beliefs, and they have worked beautifully for me many times in the past. I started out trying to write things like "I deserve the blessings in my life"... but that was met with some pretty strong resistance right away. How can a person deserve something without having earned it in some way? Does that even make sense?
I went to the dictionary, and I discovered that, indeed, deserving, by definition, is tied deeply to the idea of earning. I had been right to be skeptical of this idea of "deserving" one's joy. After all, life is full of evidence that people do not so much "get what they deserve", as they get what they believe they deserve. And then there are all those people to whom it never occurs to wonder whether or not they deserve any of the blessings that they enjoy. Good things seem to come to them easily, with no effort whatsoever.
So, how to get past this idea of deserving one's joy? I realized that, as long as I continue to tie the idea of deserving to my joy, it will always be kept at bay. As long as this belief persists, any blessing bestowed unexpectedly feels unearned, and a sense of guilt, mistrust, or waiting for the other shoe to drop, soon arises.
Whether this belief about suffering comes from my early religious training, American culture with its deep Calvinist roots, my family upbringing, or all three, it's time to get rid of it completely and for good.

Here are some affirmations that are working for me:

• I am ready and willing to let go of the belief that suffering is necessary for me to receive the blessings I most deeply desire.
• I now release the need to suffer or pay my dues in any way as a condition of my joy.
• I now release the need to suffer.
• I now release the need to pay my dues.
• I now release all forms of resistance to receiving my highest good.

I also noticed that I tend to get attached to the stories of my suffering that I tell. They become a part of my personal narrative, and in time, they even become a part of my identity, the way I think of myself and describe myself to others. "That's just the way I am. I've always been melancholy." or "I just have shitty luck in relationships." (That last one probably helps to explain why I didn't marry until the age of 35, after having broken off the engagement two years prior...). I realized that as long as I continue to insist on telling my sad stories, I will never move past them. So again, some affirmations...

• I now release all attachment to past, present, and future suffering.
• I now release all attachment to suffering as part of my identity.
• I consciously release all old beliefs about deserving.
• I release all need to punish myself for unexpected blessings.
• I now completely release the need to earn my joy.

And now, because the Universe abhors a vacuum, we must create new beliefs about joy, in order to fill up the space we've created by everything we just released.

• Joy is my birthright.
• I gratefully accept the unexpected blessings in my life.
• Happiness is a hallmark of my existence.
• I now allow myself to get excited about the good things in my life.
• It is safe for me to trust and enjoy the blessings I receive.
  
• I am ready and willing to receive the things and experiences I most deeply desire now.

So far, so good. In addition to this, I've been using a special format-- a ritual, really-- called a Spiral Ceremony, as I slog through the releasement of all of these old ideas and beliefs, and the creation of new beliefs that are better suited to the kind of life I so want to experience and enjoy. Here's how it works:

Write two lists:

1. All the beliefs, people, and circumstances you want out of your life.
2. All the things you want in your life
3. Consciously and completely surround yourself in a protective pink light. You may also want to ask your angels, guides, Higher Self, and/or Higher Power for their support and guidance.
4. Using a Number 2 Ticonderoga pencil, and keeping the pencil in continuous contact with the page, draw a spiral on a blank piece of paper, starting at the outside and circling inwards, while reading aloud the list of all the things you want out of your life.
5. Repeat the spiral going the opposite direction, while reading the list of all the things you want in your life.
6. When you reach the end, continue the spiral into the air while saying "And may this continue on and on, forever and ever into eternity. So be it! So it is! Amen."
7. Burn the spiral and the lists. You can keep the list of things you want in your life, but this is optional.
8. Put your feet into the ocean or into a salt water bath. Use sea salt if possible. Salt is from the ground and cleanses your energy. The ocean takes away all of the residue of everything you have released, and brings to your feet the things that you most deeply desire.
9. If you are working through a particularly difficult issue or a deeply-rooted set of beliefs, you may choose to do this ceremony seven times (within 7-10 days). 7 is a number of change and signifies to the Universe that you are serious about the changes you intend to make. Energy follows intention. I have found the Spiral Ceremony to be *very* effective! My thinking becomes clearer, my energy becomes lighter, and I have been able to change some very old patterns of behaviour in my life. I have high hopes for this current "project"... and I look forward to some new blessings, both expected and unexpected, arriving in my life very soon.
   

Good luck!! :)