My C-Section Was Transformative and Empowering

May you live in interesting times. That Chinese blessing/curse has come to my mind many times during this past year since my son was born. With just weeks to go before his first birthday, and with another son on the way soon, I find myself reflecting on the experiences of labor, birth, postpartum, and my first year as a mother.
As I prepare for this second experience, I realize that I still have many fears associated with the actual, physical process of giving birth. Some of that goes back to childhood. Some of it is rooted in my homebirth that became a cesarian section.
I have never felt like I made a mistake in choosing cesarian. Nor did I ever feel like I was forced or bullied into the decision. I know that a lot of women have those feelings but that was not my experience. When we arrived at the hospital, I finally felt safe. I felt truly cared for; I felt like the caregivers around us were paying attention. My homebirth experience, unfortunately, mostly just triggered old feelings of being neglected, abandoned, invisible, misunderstood. The exception to that was our wonderful doula, who never left my side until the next day when my son was finally placed into my arms. So, my experience was unlike many I have read about, and I was so very grateful to be in loving, competent hands.
Nonetheless, I have still struggled with feelings of disappointment, failure, and heartbreak. And there were many other perceived disappointments, failures and heartbreaks that characterized this past year. I discovered that my incredible, loving husband is a wonderful, natural, hands-on dad, but that he really isn't cut out to be a therapist or a girlfriend to a woman mired in postpartum depression and anxiety. In other words, I discovered some of the limitations of my marriage, at a rather tough time to be discovering them.
My depression and anxiety also delayed bonding with my son, which only drove me deeper into said depression and anxiety, and pushed me towards serious considerations of suicide. "They would be so much better off without me" was a refrain that echoed through my mind daily for a while.
In addition to that, breastfeeding was a struggle, and I found myself attached to a breast pump night and day for four months, until the sleep deprivation threatened to take away the last little bits of my sanity, and we transitioned our son to formula.
My son hated, but hated, to be worn in a sling. In my mind, I really started to panic. I really worried that without breastfeeding or babywearing, our struggles to bond would become a permanent feature of our relationship. Now, I can see that it was my depression and anxiety that got in the way more than anything else.
And so went many of the hopes and expectations I had had as a new parent. As each decision was made, I did my best to accept it, to make peace with it, and to move forward. But it was hard.
Just as we were all starting to get some decent sleep on a regular basis, I found out I was pregnant again. I was shocked. I spent many weeks alternately feeling numb and crying, hard. My husband was excited from the start, but I just couldn't get past the thought that I would have to survive another armageddon. All that sleep deprivation, and the way it obliterates my perspective, not to mention my filters. The struggles, the disappointments, the breast pump.
But I couldn't give this baby up. I am and always will be firmly, wholeheartedly pro-choice and in favor of legal, safe abortion, but I knew in my heart that I could not end this pregnancy. It slowly began to dawn on me: I wanted this baby.
And so I set about the work of filling in the gaps that were missing for me in this past year. I hated where we were living. I was isolated and incredibly lonely. I didn't know how I would find caregivers for my pregnancy and delivery, as the midwives I know of cannot work with VBAC patients. Nor did I really want another homebirth.
Other than one generous, compassionate local friend and her family, I really didn't have any connections to other OC moms. Nor did I feel comfortable at either the Attachment Parenting groups, or the Gymboree groups. I don't fit in to either paradigm. (A RIE group would be absolutely perfect, but the closest ones are in LA County).
As always, my husband was totally supportive of any changes I proposed making in order to be happier. We moved from our cramped apartment under power lines and next to the freeway to a very charming little house in a very friendly little neighborhood. We did some marriage counseling to help us to move forward and heal the hurts and resentments of the past year, and the early years of our marriage. I started working individually with a therapist who specializes in postpartum depression and new mommmyhood. I joined a wonderful mothering group that meets monthly. I have found tremendous support and connection in these new bonds.
Through all of this, I felt an intense need to withdraw from many of the other "connections" I had been looking to in vain for support. I deleted my Facebook account. I went into a cocoon. I knew that I was undergoing some kind of tremendous change, but I didn't really understand from what, into what. All I knew was that it was new, and fragile. I felt sadness and self-pity, too, but I couldn't help but pull back into myself-- whoever that was.
I've come to realize that what I've been feeling is shame and disappointment. Shame at my perceived failures and limitations, and disappointment that I didn't get my "I just climbed Mount Everest!" moment of exhilaration, joy and triumph at pushing out my son. That, I thought, was what it meant to have a transformative and empowering birth experience. The other kind, I believed, simply can't be those things. It just can't, it isn't. It's done for you. You're rescued. You don't get to triumph. You just have to learn to live without that accomplishment. The shame didn't come from the women I knew who had successful homebirths, or anyone else around me. It's all coming from within, and it's all predicated on these beliefs.
So then, how to go forward into another birth? Another baby? Another postpartum experience? I realized that I need to confront these fears and insecurities, and I started to look around for resources specific to that goal. And just as I was beginning my search, I received an e-mail from a pregnancy and mothering coach that I had spoken with when my son was about four months old. That was three days ago. She is starting up new class, and invited me to join. I read the description on her website, and it sounded like a possible fit. There was even a session targeted specifically at confronting fears. But the group setting and the idea of being "coached" gave me a lot of pause for concern. I don't want to set myself up for failure, or to feel judged or defensive around other moms who are excited about natural/home/water/unassisted birth. With my OB, I do have the option of VBAC, but that will require spontaneous labor, as induction isn't an option. Otherwise, a surgery will be scheduled at 41 weeks. And I have already decided that I want a hospital birth, and probably an epidural as well. How would I fit in to such a group, if at all? I talked it over in therapy, and with my sister, and more or less made up my mind to pass, and try to do the work of confronting my fears on my own.
And then yesterday happened. I decided to phone the pregnancy coach, get some more information about the class, and talk to her directly about my concerns. She was, as in the past, accessible, warm, and genuinely listening. And as she listened, she picked up on not only my fears about childbirth, but my lingering sense of having failed at my first birth. She asked me if I felt that I had made a mistake, and I said no. I told her that, in fact, I felt that I had made the right call, and that my hospital experience had been wonderful and nurturing. I went on to tell her that over the past year, I had been undergoing a process of major change. My tendency to see everything in black-and-white, good-and-bad, correct-and-incorrect, had been (is being) seriously challenged by my experiences. That I felt-- as I have often said to my husband-- that I had been given a real gift, a "secret" insight that I never would have received if all of my granola mama goals and aspirations had been easily granted to me. If it had all fallen into place easily, in fact, I probably would have become insufferably self-righteous. I would have been Maggie Gyllenhaal in Away We Go.
Instead, I have been given the gift of moderation. I used to believe that the middle was where people lived when they just didn't know or didn't care enough to find out. That it was the breeding ground of the uninformed and lazy. Now I realize that moderation and compromise and flexibility can actually be an informed and intelligent, compassionate and loving way to live. I am being transformed. Into what, I still don't yet know, exactly.
As I talked, Justine listened intently. Then she pointed out something that completely rocked me to my core. She said, "You just described your experience as transformative and empowering. And that's exactly how I feel about mine. It doesn't matter that yours was a c-section and mine was a natural birth. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise. You have within you all the answers you need."
I choked back tears. She was right. I had just never put it all together before. My cesarian section was transformative and empowering. It wasn't the Mount-Everest-summiting kind of transformation and empowerment I had envisioned, so I never realized it until that moment. No, it was a slow, painful, enlightening, informative, excruciating process. Justine went on to say, "From the greatest pain comes the greatest wisdom." And she was right. My pain was not the pain of natural childbirth, as I had expected. It was an entirely different kind of anguish.
When I think about it, most of my changes have taken me down such a road. And that probably has something to do with my disposition. I tend to be extremely stubborn. I don't like change. And I have a huge ego. I tend to go kicking and screaming. I don't like the loss of control that change entails. I don't like the not-knowing. And so, any change I do undergo tends to be a burn-it-down, rise-from-the-ashes kind of experience. And that is what this year has been.
Never again can I tell myself that my cesarian section was a disappointment, a failure, a heartbreak.

My cesarian section was transformative and empowering.

My son was born the way he needed to be born. For his own sake, and for mine. I can go forward from here.

Our Little Man

Woo hoo! We've reached the 20-week mark with a great ultrasound exam yesterday, so I finally feel like I can "go public" with some pictures and start posting about this openly.

May as well start with some pics.




This one says "No Jello for me" because we were making the tech laugh with our tale of researching the ingredients in Jello pudding. (You know when there are OSHA regulations specific to a chemical in your food, something is not quite right!)



I stared at these pictures for so many hours yesterday that I started to imagine that something was wrong. Specifically, I convinced myself that somehow the doctor and the ultrasound technician at the *high risk clinic* had failed to notice that our son's nose and forehead were deformed. I spent hours on Google looking for possible explanations for this. I put calls in to my mom and sister to get their input and/or some assistance with being talked down off the ledge. I forwarded the pictures to an expectant friend who has looked at more ultrasounds than I have. I put a call in to the clinic asking them to take another look. I started researching reconstructive surgery options, in case the deformity was severe. In short, I completely went off the rails. I am told this is normal behavior for an expectant mother. Well, all I can say for myself is, at least I'm not like this every day... I suppose the ability to peek in there and see a baby-in-progress really is a blessing and a curse.

The very nice technician called me back and left a long message explaining that they had reviewed the pictures, and that she "didn't know what pictures [I was] looking at" but that "this kid's head looks perfect to [her]".

I went to bed feeling calmer-- or maybe I had simply exhausted myself. I woke up this morning and looked again. I could no longer see anything wrong. I've decided that he's perfect, and actually quite handsome.

The big 20wk ultrasound was the last big milestone in my mind before I felt I could relax. And I do feel much more relaxed now that I've worked through that non-crisis, and realized that we got nothing but great news at our visit today. The baby is measuring right on target, he had no markers to indicate any potential issues, and we feel comfortable about foregoing amniocentesis.

I really feel optimistic about being able to enjoy the rest of this pregnancy in a great frame of mind.

Puedo Escribir Los Versos . . .

by Pablo Neruda

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example, 'The night is shattered,
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved him, and sometimes he loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held him in my arms.
I kissed him again and again under the endless sky.

He loved me, and sometimes I loved him too.
How could one not have loved his great still eyes?

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have him. To feel that I have lost him.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without him,
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep him.
That night is shattered and he is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost him.

My sight searches for him as though to go to him.
My heart looks for him, and he is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love him, that is certain, but how I loved him.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch his hearing.

Another's. He will be another's. Like my kisses before.
His voice. His bright body. His infinite eyes,

I no longer love him, that is certain, but maybe I love him.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held him in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost him.

Though this be the last pain that he makes me suffer,
and these the last verses that I write for him.

-adapted from the original

Andy Garcia reading the original, from Il Postino

An Interview with Amma on the Nature of the Ego

I have long wanted to meet Mata Amritanandamayi (Amma) in person and sit in darshan with her. She is said to be an incarnation of the Divine Mother. If nothing else, I'm curious to experience one of her world-famous hugs!

This is a very interesting article/interview with Amma on the subject of the ego. Much food for thought!

When You Go Beyond the Ego You Become an Offering to the World

An interview with Mata Amritanandamayi by Amy Edelstein

What I am finding fascinating in her discussion of ego is her insistence on the fact that the ego is simply unreal. Eckhart Tolle discusses the ego in a very similar manner. In response to the question, What is ego?, she has this to say:

You are actually asking, what is unreality? But how can unreality be described? What use is there in talking about something that isn't real, that is nonexistent? And how can you speak about that which is real? Amma can only give you a few hints. The mind is the ego. But the ego is a big lie—it is a liar. It is unreal.

In Western thought we tend to frame the ego as a foe to enlightenment, happiness, or spiritual evolution. But in Eastern thought, the ego is an illusion. It's soooo easy for me to forget this! Over and over again, I slip back into the belief that the ego must be defeated, conquered, or killed. Seems an insurmountable task-- and rather scary. Again- Western psychology, still Freudian in more ways than it wants to admit, still insists that the ego is a necessary part of the psyche that must be healed, strengthened, and then somehow reined in. It is there for our protection, we just can't let it drive the bus. This, in contrast, is Ammachi's take:

The ego is an illusion with no existence of its own. It appears to be real because of the power it derives from the Atman [Self]. It is animated by the Atman. The ego itself can be compared to dead matter; for without the Atman, it would have no life. Stop supporting the ego, and it will withdraw and disappear. We ourselves lend the unreal ego its reality. Expose it for what it is, or rather, for what it isn't, and that will be the end of it.

What Amma seems to be saying is that the more we disidentify with the ego as something real, the less effect it has and the more we move towards a consciousness of that which IS real-- that we are all one, that there really is no otherness. This seems simple to me, and I really believe that the deepest truths about life ARE simple. Not complicated at all, like my EGO wants to make them. More Ammachi:

The ego consists of our thoughts and our mind. Our thoughts are our own creation. We make them real by cooperating with them. If we withdraw our support, they will dissolve. We simply have to observe our thoughts. [...] If we simply witness our thoughts as they drift by, they will no longer have any effect on us or influence us in any way.

I love the Tolle/Eastern view so much more because it takes away the combative aspect of this struggle. "To Do: Conquer Ego over and over again every day." So exhausting! What Amma, Tolle and other gurus seem to be saying is, realize that the ego is a complete illusion. When asked What is ego death for the true seeker of moksha [liberation]?, Amma replies:

If the ego is unreal, what death are you talking about? We superimpose the unreal on the real. What really exists is Brahman. There is no discovery, only uncovering.

But the Western interviewer persists: Is it possible for a master to completely annihilate their ego?

A mahatma [great soul] is one who disidentifies with the ego; they see everything as an extension of the Self. Due to our ignorance, we identify with the ego, with that which is not real, but a mahatma is not identified at all with the ego, with that which is unreal.

Lest it all sound too easy, I will say that Amma does, of course, advocate the guru-disciple relationship as absolutely crucial to this process:

Though that subtle knowledge is our true nature, we have been identified with the world of names and forms for so long, thinking them to be real. We now need to cease that identification. But in reality, there is nothing to teach. A master simply helps you to complete the journey.

She also discusses the importance of studying with a true master, and the dangers of delusion:

There will be many temptations and challenges along the way. Only an experienced person can help you. The way to moksha is very subtle, and it is easy for a spiritual aspirant to become deluded. [...]

So would you say that people like this have become more proud as a result of having had spiritual experiences? Can spiritual experiences at times strengthen the ego in a negative way?

The people to whom this happens are deluded, and they confuse others as well. They will actually push others into delusion. Some people gain a glimpse of something, or have a spiritual experience, and then think they have attained moksha. Only someone who is not realized will think, "I am spiritual, I am realized," and this will create a strong, subtle ego. A subtle ego is more dangerous than a gross ego. Even the individuals themselves won't understand that the subtle ego is leading or motivating them, and this subtle ego will become part of their nature. [...]

Amma also feels that this kind of pride makes people lose their capacity to listen. And listening is extremely important on the spiritual path. A person who does not listen cannot be humble. And it is only when we are truly humble that the already existing pure Consciousness will be unfolded within us.

Once again, Amma returns to her straightforward message, in discussing dharma, purity, and love:

By loving life with the right attitude and having the right understanding, we will know what the right thing to do is. And then, if we perform our dharma, purity will come. [...] Love isn't something that can be cultivated—it's already within us in all its fullness. Life cannot exist without love; they are inseparable. Life and love are not two; they are one and the same. A little bit of the proper channeling of your energies will awaken the love within you.

This gives my soul a deep sigh of relief!

On Deserving and Joy

Lately, with the encouragement of a very wise friend, I have been giving a lot of consideration to my own beliefs about deserving and joy. Due to a recent loss, I have been given pause to re-examine my beliefs, and how they might be contributing to a pattern that I can see clearly when I look at my life.
By just about any standard, I must say that I have been very, very blessed in many ways. My mother even goes as far as to say that I was born under a lucky star, and I can definitely see her point. In the area of career and material things, for example, I do seem to luck my way into very fortunate circumstances.
However, in other areas I have been met with many challenges. My experiences in the realm of relationships and family, in particular, seem to be characterized by a fair bit of suffering and loss. I don't know, but perhaps this pattern was set early, when my father decided he wanted to be elsewhere. That strong sense of abandonment a child feels when a parent deeply disappoints them in some fundamental way is difficult to shake; it sets up certain negative expectations about how relationships work. A sense of melancholy set in early, and soon became a part of my very identity. I have no real way of knowing whether or not my disposition would have been any different had I not been exposed to so much sadness before I was ready to make sense of it. But my strong suspicion is that it would have, because I don't believe that any child comes into this world in sadness.
My friend suggested to me that perhaps it is time for me to let go of the ideas that might be holding me back from truly experiencing joy in my life. Specifically, she said that she had observed in me a certain tendency to mistrust the unexpected blessings that arrive in my life. She picked up on my perpetual wait for the other shoe to drop, as well as my strongly held belief that certain kinds of happiness can only be achieved through suffering, through paying one's dues.
So I set about working on some affirmations in my journal. Affirmations are incredibly powerful for releasing old fears and beliefs, and they have worked beautifully for me many times in the past. I started out trying to write things like "I deserve the blessings in my life"... but that was met with some pretty strong resistance right away. How can a person deserve something without having earned it in some way? Does that even make sense?
I went to the dictionary, and I discovered that, indeed, deserving, by definition, is tied deeply to the idea of earning. I had been right to be skeptical of this idea of "deserving" one's joy. After all, life is full of evidence that people do not so much "get what they deserve", as they get what they believe they deserve. And then there are all those people to whom it never occurs to wonder whether or not they deserve any of the blessings that they enjoy. Good things seem to come to them easily, with no effort whatsoever.
So, how to get past this idea of deserving one's joy? I realized that, as long as I continue to tie the idea of deserving to my joy, it will always be kept at bay. As long as this belief persists, any blessing bestowed unexpectedly feels unearned, and a sense of guilt, mistrust, or waiting for the other shoe to drop, soon arises.
Whether this belief about suffering comes from my early religious training, American culture with its deep Calvinist roots, my family upbringing, or all three, it's time to get rid of it completely and for good.

Here are some affirmations that are working for me:

• I am ready and willing to let go of the belief that suffering is necessary for me to receive the blessings I most deeply desire.
• I now release the need to suffer or pay my dues in any way as a condition of my joy.
• I now release the need to suffer.
• I now release the need to pay my dues.
• I now release all forms of resistance to receiving my highest good.

I also noticed that I tend to get attached to the stories of my suffering that I tell. They become a part of my personal narrative, and in time, they even become a part of my identity, the way I think of myself and describe myself to others. "That's just the way I am. I've always been melancholy." or "I just have shitty luck in relationships." (That last one probably helps to explain why I didn't marry until the age of 35, after having broken off the engagement two years prior...). I realized that as long as I continue to insist on telling my sad stories, I will never move past them. So again, some affirmations...

• I now release all attachment to past, present, and future suffering.
• I now release all attachment to suffering as part of my identity.
• I consciously release all old beliefs about deserving.
• I release all need to punish myself for unexpected blessings.
• I now completely release the need to earn my joy.

And now, because the Universe abhors a vacuum, we must create new beliefs about joy, in order to fill up the space we've created by everything we just released.

• Joy is my birthright.
• I gratefully accept the unexpected blessings in my life.
• Happiness is a hallmark of my existence.
• I now allow myself to get excited about the good things in my life.
• It is safe for me to trust and enjoy the blessings I receive.
  
• I am ready and willing to receive the things and experiences I most deeply desire now.

So far, so good. In addition to this, I've been using a special format-- a ritual, really-- called a Spiral Ceremony, as I slog through the releasement of all of these old ideas and beliefs, and the creation of new beliefs that are better suited to the kind of life I so want to experience and enjoy. Here's how it works:

Write two lists:

1. All the beliefs, people, and circumstances you want out of your life.
2. All the things you want in your life
3. Consciously and completely surround yourself in a protective pink light. You may also want to ask your angels, guides, Higher Self, and/or Higher Power for their support and guidance.
4. Using a Number 2 Ticonderoga pencil, and keeping the pencil in continuous contact with the page, draw a spiral on a blank piece of paper, starting at the outside and circling inwards, while reading aloud the list of all the things you want out of your life.
5. Repeat the spiral going the opposite direction, while reading the list of all the things you want in your life.
6. When you reach the end, continue the spiral into the air while saying "And may this continue on and on, forever and ever into eternity. So be it! So it is! Amen."
7. Burn the spiral and the lists. You can keep the list of things you want in your life, but this is optional.
8. Put your feet into the ocean or into a salt water bath. Use sea salt if possible. Salt is from the ground and cleanses your energy. The ocean takes away all of the residue of everything you have released, and brings to your feet the things that you most deeply desire.
9. If you are working through a particularly difficult issue or a deeply-rooted set of beliefs, you may choose to do this ceremony seven times (within 7-10 days). 7 is a number of change and signifies to the Universe that you are serious about the changes you intend to make. Energy follows intention. I have found the Spiral Ceremony to be *very* effective! My thinking becomes clearer, my energy becomes lighter, and I have been able to change some very old patterns of behaviour in my life. I have high hopes for this current "project"... and I look forward to some new blessings, both expected and unexpected, arriving in my life very soon.
   

Good luck!! :)

Ben and the Fanatic

from Zen Without Zen Masters
by Camden Benares

In his teachings, Ben stressed that Zen was his path because it allowed him to become himself. All the other routes that allegedly lead to cosmic consciousness seemed to put him in conflict with his own nature. He advised all seekers to examine carefully what each system asked of the potential initiate, keeping in mind three rules:

1. What you are required to believe is what the system cannot prove.
2. Anything that you are asked to keep secret is of more value to the teacher than to the student.
3. Any practice that is forbidden offers something that the system cannot sucessfully replace with an alternative.

One listener asked, "Don't you believe that giving up the pleasures of the senses will produce a different consciousness?" "My personal experience," Ben replied, "was that it produced the consciousness of fanatacism."

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

--Rumi, 1230

Natural vs. Industrial Childbirth

Some of y'all know that this is one of my pet topics, and has been since early 2008. It began when I was in massage therapy school, working on my final project, which our class chose as Postnatal Massage. Throughout the course of researching the project, I studied the physiological effects of labor and delivery, and it was then that I began to learn how many problems a so-called "traditional" hospital birth in the lithotomy position can truly create for so many women and their babies. (The lithotomy position is where you're put on your back, legs up in stirrups. Yeah. That position actually closes off the birth canal by up to 30%... making childbirth more painful, more dangerous, and therefore "justifying" more interventions that would otherwise be totally unnecessary, such as episiotomy, or in many, many cases nowadays, cesarian section. So why are women put into that ridiculous posture to give birth? Because it makes it easier for the M.D. to see what's going on. Godforbid he be uncomfortable.)

I also learned about the epidural-pitocin-epidural-Cesarian vicious circle: Most women are never taught anything about how to prepare for the pain of childbirth, much less how to actually get through it. They arrive at the hospital, and they're usually offered an epidural, which numbs them from the mid-torso down. This almost invariably slows down contractions and the labor fails to "progress" (hospital-speak for, "you're not having this baby quickly enough for our convenience"). The slowing down of contractions then "necessitates" the use of pitocin, which is a synthetic version of the hormone oxytocin, except that it provokes much stronger contractions than oxytocin would, which in turn create more intense pain. At that point, the mother may be offered another epidural. Either way, the baby is still subjected to those unnaturally intense contractions. This often puts the baby in distress-- often the fetal heart rate will begin to slow, and at that point you've got a full-on "crisis"- necessitating a cesarian section. Surprise surprise. Seems rather obvious that there is something wrong with this picture. For one thing, it's just plain bad medicine.

From there, I started to study a bit about the history of midwifery in the United States, and how midwives were demonized by the AMA (notorious for stamping out competition-- just ask any chiropractor), and how midwifery was made illegal in poorer communities, where women were herded towards the hospital system to be treated by obstetricians-- who are trained surgeons-- to give birth. Hmm. Is it any surprise that by the year 2005, 1 in every 3 births in the United States was done via Cesarian section, which is a major surgery, with risk factors of its own, including serious infection?

As part of the same reserach project, I also looked into alternatives to hospital care, and I discovered home birth and waterbirth. It is amazing how many clips of beautiful, peaceful, serene waterbirths you can find on YouTube! No screaming bloody murder. No agony. No trauma. I was shocked and amazed the first time I witnessed these clips. I was looking at an image of childbirth I had never been exposed to before. I just couldn't believe it.

It also happened that, around the same time, my friend Stacy, one of the yoga teachers at the Bikram studio where I practice, was pregnant. She chose a natural birth with a midwife, at a local birth center, and she shared with me about her experience as well. At this point, my eyes were opened, and there was no going back.

In November of last year, I decided to enhance my massage therapy training with a Pre- and Perinatal Certification, which I completed with the fabulous Carole Osborne-Sheets and her assistants. Once again, we studied the physiology of pregnancy, labor, and delivery in great detail, and once again, it was just so clear to me how natural, empowering, important and yes, very intense, this process is for women. It isn't something to be feared, avoided, sedated, drugged, or operated away! I feel very, very strongly that this is a feminist issue. Women need to take back pregnancy and childbirth for ourselves in this country, or we run the risk of losing natural childbirth altogether.

Here are four resources I found extremely interesting:

Adbusters October 2008: Industrial Childbirth

Consumer Reports October 2008: Maternity Care: High Tech vs. High Touch

The Business of Being Born


Orgasmic Birth


If there are any women in your life who are giving birth in the near future, might choose to become mothers, or if you may do so yourself some day, then I truly can't recommend these resources highly enough!

Tribal Fusion: The Lighter Side

A couple of my absolute favourite performances from The Indigo, showing their lighter side, not to mention incredible theatricality and technical perfection!

The Pleasures of Hating

I just heard this poem read aloud by Garrison Keillor on NPR. It's funny cause it's true. It's also funny (and charming) 'cause it's a "gob of spit" (to borrow Henry Miller's expression) in the face of political correctness and all those who say that a truly "enlightened" or "spiritual" person should never feel hatred, much less its pleasures.

Whenever the word "should" creeps in to the conversation (or the internal dialogue, as the case may be), you can bet that the ego has crept in by the back door, the tricksy little bastard.

Judith Lasater once advised a roomful of yoga teachers to "stop shoulding all over yourselves". I love that. I've endeavoured, ever since, to more or less remove that word from my vocab.

So here's my little fuck-you in the face of all that I supposedly "should" be, as a yogi, as a bodyworker, as a seeker, as a "spiritual person". (What IS a "spiritual person", anyway? That phrase always strikes me as completely redundant. We are spiritual beings by definition. It doesn't make any of us special. Deal with it!)

So without further ado,

The Pleasures of Hating
by Laure-Anne Bosselaar

I hate Mozart. Hate him with that healthy
pleasure one feels when exasperation has

crescendoed, when lungs, heart, throat,
and voice explode at once: I hate that! —

there's bliss in this, rapture. My shrink
tried to disabuse me, convinced I use Amadeus

as a prop: Think further, your father perhaps?
I won't go back, think of the shrink

with a powdered wig, pinched lips, mole:
a transference, he'd say, a relapse: so be it.

I hate broccoli, chain saws, patchouli, bra—
clasps that draw dents in your back, roadblocks,

men in black kneesocks, sandals and shorts—
I love hating that. Loathe stickers on tomatoes,

jerky, deconstruction, nazis, doilies. I delight
in detesting. And love loving so much after that.

"The Pleasures of Hating" by Laure-Anne Bosselaar from Small Gods of Grief. © BOA Editions, 2001.

This Gives Me Joy

sing it, you beautiful people!

Natural Cold Remedies

This is by no means a comprehensive list. These are just the things I’ve tried that I found useful in my most recent bout with a head cold—which I think is actually a mild bout of sinusitis.

My symptoms: My ears were itchy for about a week or two before I got sick. I remember on several occasions trying to soothe that sensation with q-tips or my fingers. :/ (Hindsight is 20-20). I was also feeling run down and achy, and had a slight but persistent sore throat. Unfortunately I didn’t heed these warnings or take any precautions—I was too busy entertaining a guest, starting a new job, and going about my busy week. I chose instead to deny that I was getting sick.

So, this cold or whatever it is subsequently settled itself into my sinuses, with tremendous pressure around my entire eye sockets, which caused a headache. I then had a few days of my right eye watering and itching profusely, and my right nostril being completely congested. Then everything moved over to the left side. Fun! In fact, when I woke up this morning, my face was ridiculously puffy and my eyes were practically swollen shut.

I have had zero chest congestion and not much of a sore throat, though as I write this, I am starting to develop more of a sore throat, so I’ll definitely be doing a salt water gargle before I go to sleep tonight! I’d love to avoid this thing going into my chest—when that happens, I tend to develop bronchitis that lingers for weeks.

1. Diet

When symptoms first appear, do a one-day fast if at all possible
Even if you cannot fast, be sure to remove the following from your diet completely:

• sugar
• alcohol
  
• starchy foods
• dairy
  
• animal products
• rich or fried foods

Sugar is actually the most important thing to eliminate.

I am sorry to inform you that sugar has been known to inactivate your white blood cells, the soldiers of your immune system, for as many as 5 to 24 hours. This is just when you need them to be most effective in helping you beat this cold. So I am afraid you will have to postpone dessert until your cold is completely gone, plus a few days. From http://www.naturopathyworks.com/news/newsltr0901.php

2. Vitamin C
From Linus Pauling -The Last Interview

There is no doubt now that vitamin C in large doses has value against the common cold. My recommendation is not 1 gram a day, or 2 grams a day of vitamin C but at the first sign of a cold, take a gram of vitamin C or 2 grams and then an hour later, if the symptoms still exist - if you're still sneezing, or your nose is running or feel shivery, take another 1 or 2 grams of vitamin C. Keep doing that until you forget because the symptoms have gone away and this will stop a cold in almost every person who follows the regimen. From http://www.newmediaexplorer.org/chris/2003/11/20/cold_remedies_that_really_work_update.htm

3. Salt water gargle – excellent for sore throats
Mix up a big glass of warm distilled water and high quality sea salt. Gargle repeatedly until the entire glass is gone. Osmosis works to leech pathogens out of the mucous membranes in the throat.

4. Humidifer
Moist mucous membranes are happy mucous membranes. Dehydration is your enemy, inviting infection to settle in. Keep the air, your nose, and your lungs moist.

5. Steam
For temporary relief, take a hot shower, or put the kettle on for an old-fashioned steam inhalation. Steam helps shrink the swollen mucous membrane and promotes drainage. Add menthol or eucalyptus if you like. From http://www.realage.com/

6. Eucalyptus bath
Eucalyptus oil is excellent for soaking a chilled, aching body, as well as for opening up congested chests, noses, and sinuses.


7. Hot honey-lemon tea – excellent for sore throats, congestion
I’ve been alternating between good ol’ Lipton, and Ginger tea. (I like Triple Leaf brand). I’m sure this would work even better with high-end, organic honey (or a specialty honey like this one), and organic lemons.

Some people say to just put the honey and lemon directly into boiling water, with no actual “tea” in your tea.

8. Hydrogen Peroxide – best for sinusitis, head colds
After being a miserable wretch for over 4 days straight with no relief from my symptoms in sight, I tried this remedy earlier today, and I feel like a new person. I’m kind of freaked out at how well and how quickly this worked, even though I didn’t try it until my cold was in full bloom. It could just be a coincidence... but my sinuses were killing me, my eyes were burning, watering and itching nonstop, and I had a killer headache. Until I tried this, at which point, it all went away.

In 1928, Dr. Richard Simmons, hypothesized that colds and flu virus enter our bodies through the ear canal. It was Dr. Simmons' hypothesis that, contrary to what we have been taught, we usually can catch the two via the ear canal and not through the eyes or nose or mouth as most of us believe. Dr. Simmons' findings were dismissed by the medical community.
According to Dr. Simmons, keeping your fingers out of our ears will greatly reduce our chances of catching colds and the flu, but we need to keep in mind that these 2 are microscopic and can be air-born and may land on/in our ears. Once these microscopic bodies have entered the inner-ear, they then begin to breed, and from there they have access to every avenue throughout our bodies to travel, and infect and make us sick.
Remarkable results can be achieved in curing colds and the flu within 12-14 hours when we administer a half capful of 3% Hydrogen Peroxide (H2O2) into each ear. The H2O2 starts working within 2-3 minutes in killing the cold or flu. There will be some bubbling and in some cases mild stinging might occur. I do this myself and I can assure you that it is not painful in any way. It tickles more than anything.
Wait until the bubbling subsides - usually a few minutes - then drain onto a tissue and repeat with the other ear.
Although this practice is perfectly safe for infants and children to use, the loud bubbling and stinging may frighten them, and they will need someone they trust to put the hydrogen peroxide in their ears. DO NOT get hydrogen peroxide in the eyes - if you do, flush with water.
Many people have also successfully used the 3% Hydrogen Peroxide solution in ears packed with wax, to help loosen it up after it has been soaked with oil for a few minutes (any oil will do, olive oil usually works best). From http://www.healingdaily.com/exercise/hydrogen-peroxide-in-ears.htm

Hydrogen Peroxide Warnings
While some people tout the effectiveness of hydrogen peroxide as a cold remedy, there are certain things you should not do with hydrogen peroxide. For instance, you should not put hydrogen peroxide into direct contact with any mucous membrane.
The Center for Disease Control warns that hydrogen peroxide can be "mildly irritating to the skin and mucous membranes." This warning is meant for people who are using hydrogen peroxide as a household disinfectant, but it should also be taken into consideration by those looking to use hydrogen peroxide as a cold remedy.
You should also never swallow or ingest hydrogen peroxide or inject it into your body, no matter the concentration, as both of these actions can have seriously harmful consequences. From http://www.curing-colds.com/articles/old-remedies/hydrogen-peroxide.php

9. Zinc tablets or lozenges– excellent for shortening the duration of illness, sore throat relief
I like Cold-Eeze original cherry flavoured lozenges, and Zicam quick-dissolve tablets. Cold-Eeze lozenges are Zinc Gluconate, and Zicam is both Zincum acetium and Zincum Gluconium.

10. Slippery elm bark lozenges– soothe a sore throat
I love Thayers brand!

11. Ricola lozenges – soothe a sore throat
My favourite are the original flavor.

12. Baking soda bath
I tried this one today, just before I tried the hydrogen peroxide remedy, so I have no real idea if it worked or if it was just the hp. I tend to think it was the hp that did the trick, because my ears felt stinging and burning with some sharp pain, and then my symptoms cleared up immediately thereafter. Still, the bath was pleasant and I’d try it again sometime-- this remedy was recommended to me by the same friend who told me about the hydrogen peroxide.

Things I Haven’t Tried Yet, But That Sound Promising
1. Virgin hot toddy – recommended for chest congestion
This takes the honey-lemon tea remedy to a new level, with the addition of apple cider vinegar and/or fresh ginger.

Two recipes I found:

Virgin hot toddy– recipe 1
2 to 3 ounces apple cider vinegar, top shelf preferred, of course
1 ounce honey
1/2 ounce freshly squeezed lemon juice
Warm the vinegar, honey, and lemon juice in a small saucepan until honey dissolves and the drink is hot, but not boiling. Pour into a mug. Drink.

Optional: Add a teaspoon of ginger syrup to the mix.

Virgin hot toddy– recipe 2
1 lemon
2 cups coarsely chopped fresh ginger with peel, about 8 ounces
1 cup sugar
2 cups water

Remove the outer peel of the lemon with a vegetable peeler, taking care not to include too much of the bitter white pith. Finely chop the lemon peel and ginger in a food processor. Transfer the lemon-ginger mixture to a medium saucepan, add the sugar and water and bring to a boil. Reduce heat, and simmer, partially covered, for 15 minutes. Strain the mixture and cool. Cover and refrigerate for up to 1 week. Makes two cups.
Both recipes from http://www.susiej.com/

2. Neti pot – excellent for nasal congestion, sinusitis
I really want to try this sometime, and not just during an illness. It comes from ayurveda, after all!

Same idea as the salt water gargle, only it works on the nasal passages and sinuses.
From susiej.com:

I won’t lie to you — this does hurt a little, if you’re really stuffed up. But it gets better. But it’s the best way to clean out your nasal passages. The warm salt water breaks everything down, and goes right through you head, and down into your chest. Does it’s job well.

She recommends this one, but I'm open to suggestions from anybody who has one they like!

3. Saline nasal spray
A lot of sites recommend this. Seems redundant if you’re already using a neti pot, but if you don’t have a neti pot handy, or if you have to work in some environment where you don't get to control the temperature & humidity, then this seems like a good idea.

4. Alternating cold and hot packs
Use alternating cold compresses and warm compresses over the inflamed sinus areas to relieve pressure and pain.

Reason #101 Why I Love Toronto: Trampoline Hall

A friend recently posted this image on Facebook.

The attribution is to one "Michael Higginson, Trampoline Hall, Feb 9/09, Toronto, Canada".

I thought this was brilliant and hilarious and true, so I worked the Google on the Internet machine and discovered that the image was taken from a lecture given as part of a series called Trampoline Hall, which is held at Sneaky Dee's (in my neighborhood) on College Street in downtown Toronto.

Youtube also has a great clip of a previous Trampoline Hall event. Sadly, nothing is yet posted from Michael Higginson's lecture, "Being In The Way", but I'll be looking for it.

This is exactly the kind of thing that makes me love Toronto so hard and miss it every single day that I'm not living there.

Downpour

I'm like the rain in a downpour
I wash away what you long for
And I wave goodbye with the sun in my eyes
I wish I could be there tonight

I'm like the wind in the canyon
I'm there then I'm gone in a second
You're growing older in peace where you're at
I wish I could be there for that

But I've moved on
Like a rolling stone
In a crowded room
I'm alone

I'm like the rain in a downpour
I wash away what you long for
And I wave goodbye with the sun in my eyes
I wish I could be there tonight
Oh, oh, yeah

You're like the tide in the deep blue
Cause you're always there when I need you
And when you need someone to carry you through
I'm gonna be there for you
I'm gonna be there for you

I must (very strong word in English) see this woman live. Soon.

Brandi Carlile, singing Downpour live:

Courage Campaign + Regina Spektor!

...together at last.

Please take a moment to check this out. It's important.

Tribal Fusion Bellydance

Tribal Fusion is my new passion. This is a gorgeous, sexy, feminist, fun, edgy, gothic, earthy improv style of dance that combines traditional Middle Eastern bellydance with flamenco and even some elements of breakdance and yoga. It just takes my breath away. Here are a couple of performers I love, doing solo routines:

Rachel Brice:



Edenia: (not the best video quality but my favourite of her performances so far)

30 Things... Now It's Your Turn!

These lists are floating around Facebook right now. This is my less Facebook-friendly list.

Here are the rules:
Write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

Since I can't tag people on Blogger, just share if you feel like sharing. I'm interested. :)

1. My parents sent me to fundamentalist Christian schools for K-12. I'm still not clear on why they did this, as they are not themselves fundamentalist Christians. I believe that teaching a child to believe in Hell is a form of abuse.
2. My beliefs nowadays are a mix of Thomas Paine's The Age of Reason, Tibetan Buddhism, the Tao Te Ching, Abraham-Hicks and the Yoga Sutras, which isn't nearly as confusing as it might sound.
3. I studied tap dance when I was very small. Nowadays I study bellydance.
4. I never didn't love boys. I never wasn't interested in sex.
5. I performed in the opening ceremonies of the 1984 U.S. Olympics along with my high school drill team.
6. The first boy who ever really kissed me was Italian and spoke not a word of English. I didn't speak any Italian, then, either.
7. I was excruciatingly shy growing up. I credit working in restaurants and travelling solo for the fact that I'm no longer shy, though I will always be an introvert.
8. In my next life, I intend to return with a good singing voice and a solid sense of direction; I currently possess neither. I openly admire these talents in others.
9. I've travelled alone to Italy twice- once at 19, to study at the Universita per gli Stranieri in Perugia, and again at 29, for a writing workshop in Chianti.
10. I am certified in Unix systems administration from UC Santa Cruz. I worked in the field of I.T. for nine years, from 1997 through April 2006.
11. I lived in Toronto, Ontario from 1994 to 1996, and again from 2001 to 2006. I bought a house there in 2000. Toronto is my favourite city to live in and I consider it home.
12. I am in complete awe of Supernanny and the Dog Whisperer, even though I don't have any dogs or children.
13. I have dual U.S. and Canadian citizenship as of 2008.
14. I’m an INFJ, mostly vata, my Love Language is physical affection and I’m a 4 on the Enneagram. I’m not yet certain that knowing these things has actually added in any way to my quality of life.
15. I am much more deeply attached to my loved ones than they often realize. I am also thinner-skinned, and less serious than I may seem. It's a Scorpio thing.
16. I'm not affiliated with any political party.
17. One of my nicknames growing up was Pooh. Some members of my family still call me this. In general I love nicknames and I’m a pushover for terms of endearment.
18. I’ve been practising yoga since 1997, teaching yoga off & on since 2002. I find it humbling and I believe it keeps me sane.
19. I don't have a favourite colour, film, musician, food, drink, place, author, or visual artist; the thought of trying to choose such things makes me anxious.
20. I can spend hours in a stationary store, a paper store, or a drugstore. I much prefer these places to malls or clothing stores.
21. I'd much rather go hiking or camping than ever take a cruise or stay at an all-inclusive resort.
22. I prefer tea to coffee, except in the morning.
23. I love vampire movies.
24. I am an obsessive list-maker.
25. People who talk in "lavender voice", use the imperative when speaking to me, or refer to themselves as spiritually enlightened set my teeth on edge.
26. I have a low tolerance for violence and cruelty, but well-chosen profanity totally cracks me up.
27. I believe that music makes life better and I truly love virtually every genre.
28. I don't know how I would go on living if I lost a member of my immediate family.
29. Watching my niece grow up safe and happy has been a healing experience for me. She is pure joy and it is one of the utmost blessings of my life to know her.
30. I have been in love many times. I believe that real love never dies and that it connects people to one another even if the relationship ends. I believe this is a blessing.

Anywhere on This Road

I live in this country now
I'm called by this name
I speak this language
It's not quite the same
For no other reason
Than this it's my home
And the places I used to be far from are gone

You've travelled this long
You just have to go on
Don't even look back to see
How far you've come
Though your body is bending
Under the load
There is nowhere to stop
Anywhere on this road

My heart is breaking
I cannot sleep
I love a man
Who's afraid of me
He believes if he doesn't
Stand guard with a knife
I'll make him my slave
For the rest of his life

I love this hour
When the tide is just turning
There will be an end
To the longing and yearning
If I can stand up
To angels and men
I'll never get swallowed
In darkness again

You've travelled this long
You just have to go on
Don't even look back to see
How far you've come
Though your body is bending
Under the load
There is nowhere to stop
Anywhere on this road
--Lhasa deSela

Integrity

Since last Friday I've had this expression, this dictate really, bouncing around in the back of my mind. Maybe it's just something that the Universe is guiding me to do-- something I need to hear right now. But it seems so familiar... like I've heard it somewhere before. I tried to Google the exact expression but no results were found. I tend to trust Google implicitly so that makes me think that perhaps I didn't read it anywhere. So maybe I heard it from a teacher or a friend at some point. Anyway, here it is. Let me know, please, if you can identify an attribution:

Use your power in the direction of love.

It does remind me of one of my favourite Audrey Lorde quotes, but it isn't quite the same:

When I dare to be powerful - to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid. --Audrey Lorde

For now I'm just going to continue to ponder it, to affirm it, and not to worry about where it came from. It's good advice, regardless...

Discipline, Intuition, and Practice

Erich Schiffmann has taught every teacher that I have ever connected with in a yoga class. My first teacher, Marti Foster, studied with him, among other yoga masters. I studied exclusively with Marti for the first four years that I practiced yoga. I could not have had a better introduction to the practice than to have studied with Marti.

When I moved to Toronto in 2001, I had to find a new studio, and most importantly, a new teacher. I was initially quite worried because I didn't know if there really was any yoga to speak of in Toronto, or if it would be the "same" yoga I was used to. It took a bit of searching, but as it turned out, there is a vibrant yoga scene in Toronto. Yoga Space was the 3rd studio I tried, but I knew fairly quickly that I was home. There was just something about the energy of the place: it was warm, friendly, relaxed, unpretentious, but serious about yoga as a discipline, practice, and way of life. This was exactly what I was accustomed to from studying with Marti.

In fact, at the Yoga Space, I found not one, but two incredible and very different teachers: Bibi Hahn, who teaches Flow Yoga, which came from a practice developed by Amrit Desai at Kripalu; and Kathryn Beet, who teaches Vinyasa Flow. (Bibi and Kathryn both teach in a style and a manner that is informed by the Krishnamacharya-Desikachar tradition, as well as many other forms and traditions of yoga.)

Once again, I discovered a few months after making Yoga Space my new yoga "home", that Kathryn and Bibi had not only studied with Erich but that they were good friends with him.

I really hope that this year will be the year that I finally get to practice with Erich myself. In fact, if all goes well, I am really hoping to participate in his 10-day Teacher Training at the end of the summer. The timing will be a bit tricky, but I will hope for the best.

Here's an example of why Erich is teh bomb. He's a 6'4" pudd'n. It comes across in everything he says and does. I pre-love him.



WHOOSH! :)